Sometimes I wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend. Other times I just know. Today’s uncomfortable self awareness brought to us by irrational attention to insignificant detail and two words… well one word and a number… Hang on, I think it’s two words and one number. REGARDLESS, 21 Jump Street is currently pissing me off. Not the movie, mind you. I’m talking about the TV show that went of the air before I was born. You wanna know why the city of Lancaster, PA is about to experience a series of crazed knifings? THEY NEVER FREAKING TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED TO OFFICER TOM HANSON!
Hanson (played by Johnny Depp), the star of the show, the best officer in all of Jump Street, best friend to Officer Douglas Penhall, Officer H.T. Ioki, and Detective Judy Hoffs, the unfailing messenger of justice never gets so much as a “Hey, what happened to Tom?” “Oh, Tom changed departments” or “Tom, he got to old go undercover as a teenage” or even “Tom, he got shot in the head and died”. Even though I know what really happened is that Tom starred in Edward Scissorhands and became a huge movie star IT’S NOT THAT FREAKING HARD TO EXPLAIN WHY HE’S GONE! If I had a time machine a writer in 1990 would be getting his eyes scooped out with a cereal spoon. One day Hanson the center of the world and the next it’s like he never existed. That’s just lazy writing.
AND ANOTHER THING! The outside shot of Jump Street they used in 1990 still has Hanson’s Mustang parked out front. So is he still at Jump Street? Is he doing administrative work? Is he under deep cover? I MUST HAVE ANSWERS!
ALSO, you aren’t fooling anyone with the new opening sequence, inter-cutting a shot of McCann driving a car with the shot of Hanson’s drag race from season 2 episode 12, “Fear and Loathing with Russell Buckins”. Hanson’s mustang was distinctive. That was the whole point! So you can’t pretend like it’s not his car!
And this irrational fixation with the plot continuity of a television program that has been off the air for almost a quarter of a century is why I will be forever alone.