Sometimes I wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend. Other times I just know. Today’s uncomfortable self awareness brought to us by irrational attention to insignificant detail and two words… well one word and a number… Hang on, I think it’s two words and one number. REGARDLESS, 21 Jump Street is currently pissing me off. Not the movie, mind you. I’m talking about the TV show that went of the air before I was born. You wanna know why the city of Lancaster, PA is about to experience a series of crazed knifings? THEY NEVER FREAKING TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED TO OFFICER TOM HANSON!
Hanson (played by Johnny Depp), the star of the show, the best officer in all of Jump Street, best friend to Officer Douglas Penhall, Officer H.T. Ioki, and Detective Judy Hoffs, the unfailing messenger of justice never gets so much as a “Hey, what happened to Tom?” “Oh, Tom changed departments” or “Tom, he got to old go undercover as a teenage” or even “Tom, he got shot in the head and died”. Even though I know what really happened is that Tom starred in Edward Scissorhands and became a huge movie star IT’S NOT THAT FREAKING HARD TO EXPLAIN WHY HE’S GONE! If I had a time machine a writer in 1990 would be getting his eyes scooped out with a cereal spoon. One day Hanson the center of the world and the next it’s like he never existed. That’s just lazy writing.
AND ANOTHER THING! The outside shot of Jump Street they used in 1990 still has Hanson’s Mustang parked out front. So is he still at Jump Street? Is he doing administrative work? Is he under deep cover? I MUST HAVE ANSWERS!
ALSO, you aren’t fooling anyone with the new opening sequence, inter-cutting a shot of McCann driving a car with the shot of Hanson’s drag race from season 2 episode 12, “Fear and Loathing with Russell Buckins”. Hanson’s mustang was distinctive. That was the whole point! So you can’t pretend like it’s not his car!
And this irrational fixation with the plot continuity of a television program that has been off the air for almost a quarter of a century is why I will be forever alone.
This is what I thought because I am a bad person.
Friends, an injustice of the greatest magnitude has occurred. I have recently been made aware that Cryos International, a squalid and despicable fortress of oppression, will no longer except sperm donations from redheads. They claim this clearly discriminatory act is due to “lack of demand” but I for one have a hard time believing this is true. I can’t even count the amount of times per day I hear someone demand redheaded semen, a request that is all too often left unfulfilled.
Come on Ladies, I’m not the only one!
If we entertain Cryos’s claims for a moment the numbers still don’t add up. A decrease in demand for redhead sperm might reasonably be attributed to the rise in the number of redheads getting laid since the conception of the Harry Potter book and film series. Still, the rapid decrease of redheads in the gene pool offsets these increases.
The Harry Potter franchise was indeed created by the government in an attempt to preserved the endangered redhead for future generations. Despite a concerted effort on the part of Ginger males and their Normalhead wingmen, this dying breed remains elusive.
There is, however, an increased display of Redhead Pride brought on by the Ginger Liberation Movement supported by Gingers and Normalheads alike. While this is a step in the right direction, one organization cannot undo the opression of such a monolithic organization as the worlds largest sperm bank.
The fight continues but Redheads have been oppressed since the beginning of time. Discrimination by such entities including Tanning Salon Attendants, High School Sports teams, and The Sun have yet to be acknowledged by legislation. Skin cancer related deaths, while on the rise, are still not considered “hate crimes” by most governments.
According to credible sources we may lose these freckle faced sex monkeys forever. Imagine a world not only without ginger babies but also without SPF slathered nerds looking for a woman with a good heart. How will girls with skin conditions ever get laid if there are no Gingers around to boost their self esteem? With this information I move that all sperm donations should be REQUIRED to come from redheaded men. We must propagate the species!
Direct your letters to
Cryos International
90 Maiden Lane, Suit 302
New York, New York 10038
Together we can save the redheads!
I’ve been quoted many times as saying “I like my coffee like I like my men, strong and black” But I’ve recently started to feel like this description, while clearly being one of the cleverest, most original things ever uttered, isn’t at all pervasive enough to describe how I like my men. Sure, it includes my love of coffee (which is deeply important to me) but it does not adequately communicate what I’m really looking for in a hunk of manliness.
As a matter of fact, the phrase is rather limiting and a little bit racist. It makes it sound like I am only interested in black men. This is simply not true. I am interested in any man of any race who meets a more comprehensive and accurate description of how I like my coffee.
So, fellas, for your convenience I have prepared an all inclusive list of what I’m looking for in a man/coffee.
BANANAS IN PAJAMAS!!!
(Source: thechocolatebrigade)
